The K Mills

Okay, by popular request (1 comment on previous post), I’m going to give you guys a quick heads-up on the double feature I saw last Friday night. Wanted & The Incredible Hulk.

First off, let me just say that going to a drive-in in a Buick LeSabre by yourself can be a humbling experience. When the trailers came on before Wanted, showing The Dark Knight, I thought to myself, “Hey, why don’t I turn on the car stereo and listen to this in style?”

So I insert the key and turn it to turn on the car stereo… and the headlights come on. Right on the screen. No problem, right? Just turn ‘em off. So I quickly took the key out… and watched in slow motion horror as the lights STAYED ON. As they do EVERY TIME you turn off the car.

Within seconds one of the theater attendants was at my car, banging on the hood and asking me to turn off my lights. I shrugged sheepishly (i.e. pathetically) and explained I couldn’t turn them off, and that they’d turn off automatically in about two minutes.

TWO MINUTES!!! During that time I was the most hated man in the parking lot. I wanted to slink down in my passenger seat until the pain subsided. What’s worse, the car to my left had a girl in it who was laughing hysterically as she narrated what was going on into her cell phone.

It was a sad, sad movie moment for me. ME! The guy who strives for Movie Experience Perfection! The one who can’t stand talkers anywhere in earshot, and here I was ruining a hallowed movie moment - The Trailers - for the entire audience. I’ve since resolved to read the freakin’ manual to figure out how to turn those ding dang lights off next time.

Now, the nutshells:

Wanted - It was everything the trailers made it out to be. Fast, adrenaline-fueled belief-suspending fun. The slow-motion action scenes were nothing short of spectacular. On the downside, there was a lot of crude language and the violence was prevalent, but if you stomached any of the Kill Bills, you’ll do just fine, Scout. On the plus side, watching the movie served as great inspiration for a novel one day. Took a page’s worth of notes and everything. And that’s the way it should be for me - when I read a novel, watch a movie / TV show, I don’t just want to be entertained, I want to be educated, affected. Inspired.

The Incredible Hulk - Starting out, my expectations were kinda low. I wasn’t impressed with the trailers for it, but I made a point to only watch them twice, lest I ruin the celluloid surprises later on. Thankfully, the trailers didn’t do the sheer action and adrenaline of the fight scenes justice.

I was one of 5 people who actually enjoyed Ang Lee’s “Hulk” back in 2003. No, it wasn’t perfect, but I’d rather it err on the side of being TOO intellectual than simply insulting (see: Daredevil, Elektra, etc.). When I heard the director of the new Hulk was the guy who brought us The Transporter & The Transporter 2, I smiled. Sure, they might be over-the-top action flicks, but ya gotta zero in on their strong points: They’re Over-The-Top Action Flicks.

Thankfully, he didn’t disappoint. The Incredible Hulk is satisfying. The fight scenes are impressive, and they progress nicely from Good to Great to Holy Moses That’s Cool!  The CGI rendering is excellent (in my opinion), and the Hulk never looked so accurate on screen. Norton and the cast are great, but I’m not a huge Norton fan, to be honest. He comes across as too whiny an mousey (which, in truth, made him an ideal Bruce Banner).

So there you have it. My two cents. Hancock comes out today, and I’m kinda looking forward to that. Aside from that, I’m also hankerin’ a bit for The Dark Knight, Journey to the Center of the Earth (in 3D), and The Mummy 3.

Kevin

 

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Jeremiah 17:5-9

“5 This is what the Lord says:“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,who depends on flesh for his strength; and whose heart turns away from the Lord.

6 He will be like a bush in the wastelands;he will not see prosperity when it comes.He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.

7 “But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,whose confidence is in him.

8 He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?“

When I read this today, it spoke to me like this:

I’m trying to trust in Man to get me to my goals, as an inventor. I’m looking for my direction and strength in people, in contacts, rather than trusting in God’s overall leading. He’s told me to jump in. That’s all I need to know. I have the green light, the divine go ahead. The timing doesn’t mesh with my preconceived plan, but who cares, right? He Said Go. Now. Why question anything else?

I pray I won’t be like a bush in the wasteland, that I’ll recognize prosperity when it comes.

I want to stubbornly put my trust in the Lord, my full confidence in Him. When the heat comes - when I’m afraid of achieving my goals, of taking a step forward - I will not fear.

Verse 9, “The heart is deceitful…” is significant. I ran across that in BOTH my Bible and a devotional today. (Jennifer Kennedy Dean, He Restores My Soul: A Fourty-Day Journey Toward Personal Renewal) I’m still sussing out what it means. (Yes, I live in the Wild West now.) I THINK it’s about how my heart wants to trust in music, in entertainment, to make me happy. But I now also believe it’s about deceiving myself into thinking I know best. That I should grab the reins and attempt to steer the outcome of my life, rather than trust in God’s bizarre leadings.

We shall see what’s what. Soon…  Praying I learn what abandoned obedience really means.

Kevin

I’m posting this not so much to get advice (from all you well-meaning Christians out there), but mainly as a catharsis. And a record. I’m struggling in my prayers, here, and I’m working through my faith. My hope is to learn more, to find the answers I seek, and then post them later.

I want to live a life of transparency, and that includes my doubts and fears and spiritual stress points. Perhaps some of you can relate to what I’m saying, perhaps not. But for TODAY, at THIS MOMENT, this is what I’m feeling. (So don’t mistake one entry to be Kevin’s constant condition. I’m fluid, people…)

Kevin

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First off, this was the Daily Devotion I read today, from My Utmost for His Highest:

June 18, 2008
Keep Recognizing Jesus

“. . . Peter . . . walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid . . .” —Matthew 14:29-30

The wind really was boisterous and the waves really were high, but Peter didn’t see them at first. He didn’t consider them at all; he simply recognized his Lord, stepped out in recognition of Him, and “walked on the water.” Then he began to take those things around him into account, and instantly, down he went. Why couldn’t our Lord have enabled him to walk at the bottom of the waves, as well as on top of them? He could have, yet neither could be done without Peter’s continuing recognition of the Lord Jesus.

We step right out with recognition of God in some things, then self-consideration enters our lives and down we go. If you are truly recognizing your Lord, you have no business being concerned about how and where He engineers your circumstances. The things surrounding you are real, but when you look at them you are immediately overwhelmed, and even unable to recognize Jesus. Then comes His rebuke, “. . . why did you doubt?” ( Matthew 14:31 ). Let your actual circumstances be what they may, but keep recognizing Jesus, maintaining complete reliance upon Him.

If you debate for even one second when God has spoken, it is all over for you. Never start to say, “Well, I wonder if He really did speak to me?” Be reckless immediately— totally unrestrained and willing to risk everything— by casting your all upon Him. You do not know when His voice will come to you, but whenever the realization of God comes, even in the faintest way imaginable, be determined to recklessly abandon yourself, surrendering everything to Him. It is only through abandonment of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him. You will only recognize His voice more clearly through recklessness— being willing to risk your all.

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And this is what I wrote as my prayer:

Lord, I’m worrying about the little stuff. About prioritizing everything. The same old thing, you know. All the passions and gifts and skills you’ve provided me, but I feel like I’m weighted down. Restrained. And I don’t know if it’s ME restraining me, or You.

I believe You’ve led me to scale back, to take life slower, to reprioritize rest and peace over a rigorous pace. I believe You’ve led me to have more quality moments with my kids and with Kim. And with You. And I don’t want to lose any of that.

Yet now I feel You’re inspiring me to pursue my inventions, and I’m confused as to why. Or more to the point, HOW? How am I supposed to take the time to do that? To do all the countless hours of research, design, planning, etc., and yet continue to 1) have quality time for my family, 2) have quality time with You, and 3) have time to just relax and enjoy life?

I feel like I’m having to move 100 miles per hour just to make any headway. Like I’m at the base of a huge mountain, a mountain I’ve been circling but didn’t expect to climb anytime soon, and NOW you’re telling me to climb?

I’m not trying to argue or be disobedient, I’m just lost as to what to do with my OTHER responsibilities and passions? Abandon all for the sake of the call? Take bite-sized pieces of everything, one each day? It seems I’ll either be making minimal progress in all areas or immense progress in only one (while the others go on the back burner). I’m confused as to what goes where. What to do, what to do. (I sound like the White Rabbit in “Alice in Wonderland,” a book I’ve never read, despite my English degree…)

The devotional I read today was about “keeping our eyes on Jesus” so we don’t lose our way. This only serves to confuse me more. Am I not seeking you? Spending time with you? Am I not keeping you in my sights? How am I supposed to pursue you anymore than I already am (and still be a functional member of society)?

Lord, what should I do that I’m not doing?

Take time to listen.

Lord, I feel overwhelmed by the ever-growing list of things that AREN’T getting done. How am I supposed to be at peace with The List? And yet, how am I to stay focused and make progress without it?

I feel like you’ve given me the tools, the skills, and the intense drive and motivation to use them, but haven’t given me the time to do so. I’ve effectively eliminated my free time that I used to have (waste?) by listening to movies, watching TV / movies and reading novels. My mind is set in productivity mode, but I feel bound by my previous calling as a stay-at-home Dad. Which, in many ways, FEELS highly unproductive. (I know it’s not, but that’s the pervading emotion at times…)

I still want to be that, to raise Kyler and Kaleb with an intimate, hands-on relationship. But how am I to do that and still pursue my goals & dreams? Everything’s happeningly to SLOWLY. Am I NOT supposed to be a primary caregiver anymore? I’d say it’s clear, with the set-back of my hand, the slowing down of my life, but that’s not a complete deal-breaker. I can still care for Kaleb, it’s just much more painful and time-consuming. Not impossible.

So what’s going on? Are you calling me to do something different? To invent & raise money, more than be a full-time father? I know my callings & purpose can change over time, and I don’t want to assume that a calling or project vision I had years ago is forever written in stone. I want to be flexible, to be responsive to Your leading, day by day.

And that’s why I’m so perplexed by it all. I felt your previous calling. Now I strongly feel this new one. But what do I do about the OTHER callings & passions You’ve placed in my life? What do I do about my writing partnership with Patrick? What do I do about promoting TeleSpank.com? About developing JacKardiac.com? About caring for the kids?

I’m clueless, here. I’m desperately seeking answers, seeking Your Wisdom, and I feel You’re nonresponsive. Silent.

So what am I do to? Continue to “press in?” To abide in You? Why does it seem everyone else can come to You and receive clear, direct answers, but when I’m prostrate on my face, I feel like I’m getting nowhere? I’m not trying to compare, I’m just sincerely confused, here.

Is it me? Is it You? Is there something I should change? Is it just a matter of patience? I’ll do whatever You ask, I just need… to understand.

Hm. Is THAT the problem? Instead of jumping in with both feet, following this new calling with wild abandon, I’m seeking further clarification? Instead of immediate obedience I’m asking you WHY?

Is that wrong? What would it look like if I just abandoned everything else You’ve called me to in pursuit of this one? Kim wouldn’t be able to work, she’d have to care for the kids. Without Kim’s income, I’d need to get a job… at a substantially lower income. With a full-time job, I wouldn’t have the time to pursue what You’ve called me to do.

So… what’s the solution, here? How am I to synchronize everything? To make sense of it all?

I am not at peace. So much silence is downright depressing.

Lord, I pray You would use me, use this time of struggling and confusion for Your glory. Teach me what You want me to know, when You want me to know it. I wait for you, Father.

Kevin

You’ll find the continuation of yesterday’s YouTube post here. (And I say continuation - rather than conclusion - because the camera ran out of storage in the midst of this one. Yes, technology is revolting against me, and my bloated, sleep-deprived posts…)

As for #2 (watch the post), I think I was going to say I want to be accountable, and appeal to the wisdom of the masses when it comes to overcoming my fears. I’m sure I’ll need encouragement from time to time, so now when you see a post all about “What Freaks Kevin Out,” you’ll know why (and what to do… aside from sit and stare…).

Kevin

My new YouTube video can be seen here.

In it my floating head discusses how God’s been working in my life over the past month, and share some of the vision that He’s placed in my heart for the future. Yes, I know it cuts off in the end… I’ll post the continuation tomorrow… lest you guys get overwhelmed with Too Much Kevin. (Is such a thing possible, you ask? Oh yes… it is… just ask Kim…)

Kevin

Link: LifeChurch.tv, Experience Life, Ray & Laura Pittman

This is what they affectionately call the new hand therapy tool I received at rehab yesterday. It’s somethin’ else. Until I figure out how to post YouTube videos without screwin’ up my whole WordPress formatting, you’ll have to catch it here.

Kevin

It’s always cool to attend LifeChurch.tv’s “At The Movies” sessions. This year looks even more promising.

View the YouTube Trailer here. Aside from “someone’s” inexcusable butchering of the dialogue (emPHAsis on the wrong word), it’s all good. (All the time…)

K

So, as I’m doing research on inventing sites, I’ve run across a lot of interesting gadgets. And this one, I believe, would make my hand feel a lot better. Without question. Beats mashing my hand on pink putty any day…

Let the healing begin…

K