Psalms 15:1-5
1 Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?
2 He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart.
3 and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong
and casts no slur on his fellowman,
4 who despises a vile man
but honors those who fear the Lord,
who keeps his oath
even when it hurts,
5 who lends his money without usury
and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things
will never be shaken.
When you read these verses you quickly realize that it’s nearly
impossible to adhere to. We might excel in one area and then fall flat
on our faces in another the very next day. Thankfully David goes on to
explain (in Psalms 16) that our righteous comes from God alone, so the weight
is lifted a bit more and we’re able to breathe again.
The one verse that stood out to me is the second part of verse four, which reads:
“Who keeps his oath even when it hurts.”
Here in Lubbock Kim and I attend Experience Life Church where they
just wrapped up an excellent series called “Redefining Marriage.” If
you’re not a member or a Lubbock native, you can still catch it either
online at http://experiencelifenow.com/ in the podcast section, or
subscribe to it here at the iTunes Music Store. Chris Galanos has always been
known to preach the Bible, regardless of whether it offends anyone or not,
and he didn’t hold back on this series. God has laid out some very specific
guidelines on how to get the best out of our relationships and marriages,
but the burden falls to us whether we want to follow through with them
or try make our own way.
In my opinion, keeping an oath in marriage is the key to its
survival. A marriage simply can’t sustain itself on passion or emotion alone.
Even a close friendship and companionship won’t help it weather the
storms that life has in store. I strongly believe that the ONLY way to keep a
marriage together is to remain committed to it, regardless of how you feel.
I say this with passionate conviction because I’m speaking from experience.
A little over four years ago Kim and I were on the brink of divorce.
Our lines of communication had broken down to such a point where we
could hardly tolerate each other. We shared a house, a bed, a life,
but there was no genuine intimacy between us. When we talked to each
other our conversations were salted with misunderstanding or
accusations. We were both hurt, and harbored unspoken resentment for the other.
We considered divorce, but not seriously. We’d seen enough of our
friends get divorced to realize it didn’t solve any of their problems.
In fact, it was clear that divorce only helped exacerbate whatever internal
issues they struggled with, resulting in their not only being more miserable than
before, but being miserable and ALONE. After some long talks and
professional counseling, Kim and I had some hard questions to ask.
We weren’t “in love” anymore, so what were we going to do? Did we want
to stay married? And if so, how did we go about doing that, exactly?
When talking about my options to a friend from college, he cut through
my circular arguments and bluntly asked me who I wanted to be.
Regardless of how Kim might have hurt me or what she’d said and done,
I had a decision to make. I could either cut the ties and run like
hell, hoping to make a better life for myself somewhere and with
someone else. Or I could stay with her and use my stubborn, creative
streak to figure out a solution to the massive, imploding problem in
our marriage.
I had arrived at a crossroads that I never, ever anticipated. One road (Divorce)
led to more pain relief for the short term, followed by lifelong pain
and confusion afterwards. The second road (Dedication) held the promise of less
pain later on, but forced me to go through MORE pain in the short term by
staying in the marriage and aggressively dealing with our problems.
I chose who I wanted to be that night, and that was to be someone who
keeps his word. I had promised Kim years earlier that I would be committed
to her for better or worse - and this was definitely WORSE - but I wasn’t
going to go back on that promise. Keeping that promise was, without question,
the most painful event I’ve ever endured in my life, but I can honestly say it was also the best decision I’ve ever made.
Keeping an oath even when it hurts.
If we decide who we’re going to be based on emotion alone, our
character is going to shift like sand. We’re emotional, moody people,
and we’re going to FEEL everything under the sun when it comes to our
relationships. Love. Hate. Passion. Indifference. Gratitude.
Selfishness. The list will never, EVER end. We simply can’t define ourselves
by our emotions alone.
There comes a point where each one of us will have to decide who we
are and who we’re going to be. REGARDLESS of how we feel or how
someone hurts us or doesn’t meet our “needs” or whatever believable
excuse we give ourselves to bail out. (And let’s face it, we’re pretty
convincing liars when we’re justifying to ourselves WHY we do what we
do.)
I share this with you to give you encouragement if you’re going
through a rough time in your marriage. Sometimes people look at Kim
and I and just assume that because we’re so crazy gah-gah over each
other that we never have problems or fights. It’s just not true. We
both have fantastic capacities to become classic, Grade-A jerks. But
despite our jerkiness we’re 100% committed to each other. We’re
committed to talking, to crying, to opening up and making ourselves
vulnerable to each other on a regular basis. Contrary to popular opinion,
true intimacy isn’t all roses and perfume. It’s downright painful sometimes.
But it’s worth it.
To be known and loved by someone despite all our faults and mistakes
and emotional upheavals and tantrums and everything else that makes
us HUMAN. I believe that’s something that only God alone can do, and
that it’s only when we focus on Him MORE than the people He’s placed
in our lives that we develop the capacity to truly love them.
Warts and all.
- Kevin
Can’t wait for next week’s 
