For the past few months, I’ve felt strangely disconnected from God. Like He’s there, but I don’t have the same communion with Him that I was enjoying previously. The same intimacy. Back in December I felt like He was holding my hand daily. Leading me in my decisions, speaking to me on a semi-regular basis. It was a beautiful, wonderful time.
Then January hit, and He seemed strangely absent. Then February, and March, and now April. For the past 4 months I’ve felt disconnected, uprooted or something. And I’ve wracked my brain trying to find a solution.
Self-examination, to see if there was an unconfessed sin. Fasting, from both food & music (my primary indulgences in life). Prayer, lots and lots of prayer. Quiet listening. I’ve done everything I could think of to break the barrier down, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference.
Kim pointed out recently (and quite wisely) that He’s still there, and He’s still in control of things, even if He’s not communicating with me directly right now. She said if God wanted me to know something, He’d tell me, but I can’t FORCE Him to talk, to communicate. All I can do is obey when I hear His voice, and rest in the fact that He’s in control of the relationship. He’ll reveal Himself when He’s ready to.
It’s frustrating, though. A part of me is horribly confused why God WOULDN’T reveal Himself to a child who desperately wants to know and do His will. All the promises we’ve heard about how God wants to have a personal relationship with you? That stuff kind of falls flat when you’re in a position like this. It doesn’t make sense.
Despite the silence, though, I’ve resolved to keep it up. I don’t want my faith to be built on fuzzy joy-joy feelings. To depend on the “feeling” of intimacy with Him, rather than a firm conviction that He’s always present. Faith is a decision, more than a feeling. Feelings are fluid, they change from moment to moment. I want my faith to be solid. Unmoving. Secure.
One thing I DO feel the Spirit is prompting me to do is share more. Specifically, to let His life “flow” through mine. I need to write more often. I need to share what’s going on in my life, the many ways He continues to bless me, change me, mold me into a new creation. It’s easy to get caught up in life and think only about ourselves. It’s hard to slow down, to take a moment to try to help other people around you.
I want to slow down. I want to be available for God. To do whatever He calls me to do, at a moment’s notice. I choose to live a life with margin in it. Room for flexibility. Not so rigid and structured and planned out that I can’t (or rather, WON’T) listen to Him when He speaks.
So that’s what I’m doing. Today. This week. I’m going to write more, to share more, to be more transparent.
Lord, change me. Take me in Your hands and stretch me according to Your will. I trust in Your plans, in Your goodness and Your ultimate map, whether I see where You’re leading me or not. I choose to trust in You.
Kevin