Psalms 15:1-5

1 Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary?

Who may live on your holy hill?

2 He whose walk is blameless

and who does what is righteous,

who speaks the truth from his heart.

3 and has no slander on his tongue,

who does his neighbor no wrong

and casts no slur on his fellowman,

4 who despises a vile man

but honors those who fear the Lord,

who keeps his oath

even when it hurts,

5 who lends his money without usury

and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.

He who does these things

will never be shaken.

When you read these verses you quickly realize that it’s nearly  

impossible to adhere to. We might excel in one area and then fall flat  

on our faces in another the very next day. Thankfully David goes on to  

explain (in Psalms 16) that our righteous comes from God alone, so the weight  

is lifted a bit more and we’re able to breathe again.

The one verse that stood out to me is the second part of verse four, which reads: 

“Who keeps his oath even when it hurts.” 

Here in Lubbock Kim and I attend Experience Life Church where they

just wrapped up an excellent series called “Redefining Marriage.” If

you’re not a member or a Lubbock native, you can still catch it either  

online at http://experiencelifenow.com/ in the podcast section, or  

subscribe to it here at the iTunes Music Store. Chris Galanos has always been

known to preach the Bible, regardless of whether it offends anyone or not,

and he didn’t hold back on this series. God has laid out some very specific

guidelines on how to get the best out of our relationships and marriages,

but the burden falls to us whether we want to follow through with them

or try make our own way.

In my opinion, keeping an oath in marriage is the key to its  

survival. A marriage simply can’t sustain itself on passion or emotion alone.  

Even a close friendship and companionship won’t help it weather the  

storms that life has in store. I strongly believe that the ONLY way to keep a

marriage together is to remain committed to it, regardless of how you feel.

I say this with passionate conviction because I’m speaking from experience.

A little over four years ago Kim and I were on the brink of divorce.  

Our lines of communication had broken down to such a point where we  

could hardly tolerate each other. We shared a house, a bed, a life,  

but there was no genuine intimacy between us. When we talked to each  

other our conversations were salted with misunderstanding or  

accusations. We were both hurt, and harbored unspoken resentment for the other.

We considered divorce, but not seriously. We’d seen enough of our  

friends get divorced to realize it didn’t solve any of their problems.  

In fact, it was clear that divorce only helped exacerbate whatever internal

issues they struggled with, resulting in their not only being more miserable than  

before, but being miserable and ALONE. After some long talks and  

professional counseling, Kim and I had some hard questions to ask.

We weren’t “in love” anymore, so what were we going to do? Did we want  

to stay married? And if so, how did we go about doing that, exactly?

When talking about my options to a friend from college, he cut through  

my circular arguments and bluntly asked me who I wanted to be.  

Regardless of how Kim might have hurt me or what she’d said and done,  

I had a decision to make. I could either cut the ties and run like  

hell, hoping to make a better life for myself somewhere and with  

someone else. Or I could stay with her and use my stubborn, creative  

streak to figure out a solution to the massive, imploding problem in  

our marriage.

I had arrived at a crossroads that I never, ever anticipated. One road (Divorce)  

led to more pain relief for the short term, followed by lifelong pain  

and confusion afterwards. The second road (Dedication) held the promise of less  

pain later on, but forced me to go through MORE pain in the short term by

staying in the marriage and aggressively dealing with our problems. 

I chose who I wanted to be that night, and that was to be someone who

keeps his word. I had promised Kim years earlier that I would be committed

to her for better or worse – and this was definitely WORSE – but I wasn’t

going to go back on that promise. Keeping that promise was, without question,

the most painful event I’ve ever endured in my life, but I can honestly say it was also the best decision I’ve ever made.

Keeping an oath even when it hurts.

If we decide who we’re going to be based on emotion alone, our  

character is going to shift like sand. We’re emotional, moody people,  

and we’re going to FEEL everything under the sun when it comes to our  

relationships. Love. Hate. Passion. Indifference. Gratitude.  

Selfishness. The list will never, EVER end. We simply can’t define ourselves  

by our emotions alone.

There comes a point where each one of us will have to decide who we  

are and who we’re going to be. REGARDLESS of how we feel or how  

someone hurts us or doesn’t meet our “needs” or whatever believable  

excuse we give ourselves to bail out. (And let’s face it, we’re pretty  

convincing liars when we’re justifying to ourselves WHY we do what we  

do.)

I share this with you to give you encouragement if you’re going  

through a rough time in your marriage. Sometimes people look at Kim  

and I and just assume that because we’re so crazy gah-gah over each  

other that we never have problems or fights. It’s just not true. We  

both have fantastic capacities to become classic, Grade-A jerks. But  

despite our jerkiness we’re 100% committed to each other. We’re

committed to talking, to crying, to opening up and making ourselves

vulnerable to each other on a regular basis. Contrary to popular opinion,

true intimacy isn’t all roses and perfume. It’s downright painful sometimes.

 

But it’s worth it. 

To be known and loved by someone despite all our faults and mistakes

and emotional upheavals and tantrums and everything else that makes

us HUMAN. I believe that’s something that only God alone can do, and

that it’s only when we focus on Him MORE than the people He’s placed

in our lives that we develop the capacity to truly love them. 

Warts and all.

 

- Kevin