The K Mills

I write it. You read it. That's it.

The Dark Side Of D.c.

I have a confession to make.

I have not been a happy man here in Washington. In fact, ever since we arrived last month I’ve fluctuated between pseudo-confidence and “What the heck am I supposed to be doing here?”

To backtrack a bit, Kim and I moved from Lubbock after months of praying and feeling God’s clear, unquestionable guidance that we’re supposed to go. But even knowing that you’re “in God’s will” doesn’t mean it’ll be an easy transition. It’s not. And I guess the abruptness of it all kind of took me off guard more than I anticipated.

Back in the comfortable cocoon of Lubbock, I was quite peaceful. Baby Codes had hit the #1 Bestseller list on Amazon, childcare was taken care of, I had a nice routine going from day to day and Kim and I had a genuine, bonafide social life.

Fast forward four weeks, I’m totally uprooted across the country and still shaking the dirt off. I knew the move was coming, but I still feel like a twister’s violently plucked me from the ground and flung me hundreds of miles away into a concrete jungle.

I haven’t been happy. It didn’t take long for me to settle into a depressive funk. I felt manic, having days of hope followed by days of despair, like I was stuck on one of those freaking Tilt-O-Whirls at an amusement park. (Amusing to watch, sure. But to actually ride? Icky poo, no thank you.)

So it’s been a hard move, to say the least. The past few days, however, have been better. Not that I have any clearer direction of what God wants me to work on, but I feel more at peace lately.

In reviewing my prayer journal entries the past month, I’ve come to a few simple conclusions:

1) When I begin to doubt God – His plan, His promises, His presence – I slowly pull away from Him.

2) When I pull away from God, I quickly lose focus, direction and, ultimately, hope.

3) When I lose hope, I become discouraged. Really, really discouraged.

4) And when I get discouraged? When I’m suffocating under endless waves of depression? It’s hard to come back up for air and trust in God, when the world around me seems so dang bleak.

It’s kind of a Catch-22, you could say.

The problem is that even when I see God as the solution, it’s not an easy, reliable fix. Because even when I would come to Him, I’d often still feel empty inside, and just as lost as I was when I started.

So what’s the solution to that? When you’re desperately clawing after God and you end up with a fistful of silence?

I’m not sure. But my gut says it has something to do with my attitude. If I come to Him with a bitter, accusing attitude, I’m effectively erecting a wall between us, and I find He’s more silent.

This was even more confirmed as I read the Bible today, with one verse standing out: Hebrews 3:12

“See to it that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God.”

To be honest, I had never equated an “unbelieving heart” with “sinful” before. This verse seems to fly in the face of the popular teaching that we can come to God with everything. On closer inspection, however, it really doesn’t.

Why not? Because it’s all about attitude.

We CAN come to God and present our hurt, our pain, our endless questions and concerns. But no matter how we might feel? How super-soaked we might be with our own pain or confusion? We still have to be respectful of who He IS. We can’t forget our place in His story – we’re the servants, He Is the Lord. We’re merely the words on the page, but He’s the writer, inserting us where He sees fit. Where He knows we’ll be most effective.

Looking back, I’m reminded that I experienced the same degree of depression and confusion back in the summer of 2008. It was then that I had hand surgery, and was temporarily unable to fulfill my role as a stay-at-home Dad. (Ever changed a dirty diaper with one hand? Lemme tell ya, it ain’t pretty.) I prayed fervently to God, asking Him what in the world He wanted me to do with my life, and He answered quickly one night: write Baby Codes and establish Mills Creative Minds.

So as frustrated as I can get these days, overall I’m trying to be hopeful. Yes, God’s uprooted me from my comfy life. Yes, I’m disoriented and cranky and confused as I watch Him rewrite this chapter of my life. But if I’ll just take a few moments to look back on how He’s spun the story of Kevin Mills so far? How He’s taken the crappy mud pies of life and transformed them into double-fudge chocolate cakes of gooey goodness?

Well, I really don’t have to worry.

He knows what He’s doing. Better than I do, than I ever could.

All I have to do is trust Him.

-Kevin

Addendum: Elijah

For the past week, I’ve felt God impressing on me to watch the LifeChurch.tv series called Elijah. I remember watching it years ago and was greatly impressed, but didn’t know exactly what to expect. But after I finished this post I went ahead and watched it, and was shocked at how much it applies to my life. Today. Right now.

So on the off chance one of you reading this is feeling kinda like I feel? Like God sort of yanked the soft, cushy rug out from under your feet and left you standing out in the cold? Watch this. It’ll change your perspective. (And hopefully your attitude…)

  • David G. says:

    Great stuff Kevin, I can only imagine what you are going through. You are right though, it’s God’s plan and he will work it out. It just takes time. You all will be in my prayers.

    October 26, 2011 at 1:25 pm

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