As I’ve mentioned in some of the posts a few months ago, I don’t really know why I’m here in Washington, D.C. yet. When I sought God to see what He wanted me to work on back in September, the impression I got was to “wait” and to “write” (here on TheKMills.com). Three months later, and I’m still floating about, unsure of what else I’m supposed to be doing in the downtime.
Sometimes I find myself being at complete peace with His last instruction, and other times pretty much freaking out in a fit of non-productive spasms. And when His last known directive is followed by suffocating silence, it’s easy for my over-active mind to second-guess whether I even heard Him correctly in the first place. And doubting that? Well… that’s the gaping mouth of a rabbit hole, my friend.
If I were to venture a guess as to what He’s “saying” to me lately, I’d have to say it’s “believe.” That’s it. Just “believe.” What to believe is a mystery. His promises? His Word? His last set of instructions? My discernment of His Spirit’s voice? Probably a combination of all of the above. But it’s still a bit unnerving, as you can imagine.
He’s also been kind of speaking to me in the middle of the night the past few weeks. Once He said clearly that He was trying to teach me something I “couldn’t learn otherwise.” I’ve since prayed for clarification as to what, but received none. Just more silence. Still, I like the idea. I latch onto it hungrily. It would help give my present pain a little more purpose, you know?
One image that popped into my head sometime in October was a Play-Doh strainer (also known as the Fun Factory). You’ve seen this thing… put the good stuff in one side, pick your shape and mash it down hard. Voila! Out comes the spiffy shape! Play-Doh magical moments for all!
So the impression I had was that moving to Washington is kind of a Plah-Doh process for me. I feel that God’s using this key moment in my life, that He’s slowly changing the shape of my heart through the strain and pressure of just being here. It’s an ugly process, and profoundly painful, and from the perspective of the dough? Pretty dang pointless.
But. And this is a big BUT. I think there’s a reason for it.
You see, I envision a time in the near future when the opening before me is going to narrow drastically and suddenly, and for me to pass through from one side of the storm to the other? I’m either going to have to squeeze into the shape of that door “just right” or half of me would get scraped off and go splat.
So that’s my conclusion. Yes, the squeezing hurts like hell, but I believe in His mercy He’s putting me through this now because if He didn’t? It would hurt more to hit the wall later. He’s shaping me today so I’ll be better prepared for tomorrow.
In the meantime? My primary “job”? Is to learn how to praise Him in the interim. To bring my praise and my worship to Him regardless of what I, personally, want to happen in my life. My faith is being transformed from happy theory into stark reality. I can’t just sit back in my comfortable Christian armchair and say that I’ll go where He leads, do what He wants me to do and praise Him at all times…
…I have to actually do it.