Just a quick note (I’ve been quite busy lately, if you couldn’t tell…). The primary reason I feel the church staff shouldn’t be playing poker in the sanctuary on a Tuesday afternoon is:

1) It makes one question where my tithe is going, if not to support these men of God. Playing poker. In the middle of the day…. Hm…..

2) It’s disrespectful of the sanctuary. A room is not just a room. If something spiritual happens in it – good or bad – it lingers and affects those who enter the room later. I kid you not. Haunted houses? Yeah, there’s a reason for those… So in the same way, playing poker in a place of worship just isn’t right. I’ll even go so far as to saying PLAYING in the sanctuary isn’t right. Sardines, tag, you name it. It’s a place to quiet down (simmer down, for the lot of you) and don’t think about ourselves but instead focus on Him and His incredible nature.

Lastly, doesn’t it say in the Bible that we must not even give the HINT of evil? (I’d look it up, but I’m about to go…) No, I don’t think playing poker is wrong, but if there are people who think poker is absolutely evil in the first place, wouldn’t it be considerate to NOT play it in a church? Come on… why give the impression, right?

But that’s just me, and my primary sinful struggle is with (any guesses?) judgementalism. Black and white, people… that’s the world through Kevin’s beady eyes. Black. And. White.

Kevin

Okay, so I’m posing this question to the lot of you to see who can come up with the best answer. Today I walked into a church and the staff sat at a table in the center of the sanctuary, playing poker. No beer, cigars or money, just plastic chips and cards all around.

Is there something wrong with this picture? Is there a scriptural reason this would be wrong?

I have my thoughts and gut feeling on the matter, but I want to see if someone else can help me formulate them a bit clearer. Anyone… fire away…

Kevin

Last week I wrote about how I ignorantly put the hurt on a helpless scorpion in my garage (as seen here). This week I’m writing about how his sneaky little buddy, the brown recluse, exacted his revenge on me (there must’ve been a contract out on me by the scorpion’s widow or something…)

Here’s how it all began…

On Saturday morning I woke up, hopped in the shower, and noticed a bit of tenderness down by my crotch. Upon closer inspection, I had a rather massive, white-headed zit that had materialized overnight, on the upper portion of my left thigh where my leg meets… the rest of me. (It’s called a scrotum, people…. listen to this catchy song sample I stumbled across at eMusic.com for an anatomical description…)

At any rate, I didn’t hesitate to put the squeeze on Mr. Z, which was surprisingly more painful than I anticipated. The puss didn’t really have a normal consistency (based on my extensive zit-popping history), but I didn’t give it much thought as I washed it down with soap, shaved my ultra-sexy head and went on my merry way.

About four hours later, I’d come to realize “Hey, my leg kinda hurts down there.” Not only this, but I felt like I was getting a bruise or a cramp in my upper thigh… right were that pesky zit was. It wasn’t until I was describing to Kim’s cousin, Kenny, the growing annoyance of this strange Zit from Hell on my leg, that my subconsciousness finally broke through my constant babbling and whining.

“You know what?” it whispered in my head, “That’s not a zit, doofus. That’s a spider bite.”

“A spider bite?” I exclaimed. “Are you sure?”

“Hey, I’m your subconsciousness… what do you think?”

I thought about that for a moment, and I had to agree. My Sub just doesn’t steer me wrong. What’s more, I suddenly remembered the first image I had of my “zit,” and why it didn’t look right.

There were two small marks in the middle of the head. As in, two small BITE marks.

I didn’t think anything of it when I originally erupted the volcano, but the image was clear in my mind now that I considered the new scenario.

Still, I wasn’t sure if it was truly a brown recluse bite. We only have two poisonous spiders in Oklahoma – the black widow and the brown recluse. They say you don’t feel the recluse bite immediately, but the widow bite feels like a needle. So it’s safe to say it wasn’t a widow bite, but on the other hand my leg isn’t suffering from the typical marks of a recluse bite, either. It’s red, inflamed and a bit puffy with a hard lump, but it doesn’t have the white “halo” effect, nor is the skin turning bluish-black with necrosis as death has a parade down my leg.

I didn’t want to take a chance, though, so I went to visit my doctor friend Rob, who lives just up the street from me. (For those of you who don’t know, Rob and I grew up together in high school as best buds, so when Kim and I moved to Oklahoma City, put a contract on a house and THEN found out he lived less than a minute away, we kinda knew it was a God thing…) If you don’t know the meaning of the word “awkward,” it’s easily defined as “a guy asking his best friend to please take a look as his crotch.” An expanded definition would be “having said guy friend palpate said crotch with his fingers” to test for tenderness.

I would say it was a threat to my manliness, but upon poking the hypersensitive knot in my leg I involuntarily yelled out a choice four-letter expletive, thus reestablishing my macho masculinity through the cheap trick of profanity. (Note to kids: Kevin does not advocate the casual use of profanity under any circumstances. Get a dictionary and learn to express yourself effectively without using the vernacular of the moronic…)

So here I am, pumping my body full of as much water as I can, getting as much rest as I can, popping down the antibiotics that Bobby prescribed me and praying for God to lay His healing hands on my… leg. (I strongly believe in the power of prayer and the laying on of hands, I should note. But I’m just not comfortable asking the people at our church to “lay hands on my crotch” in the name of Jesus, y’know? Nonetheless, for those of you who pray and are reading this now, I would be thrilled if you’d take a few seconds to pray for a quick healing down there…)

To my wife’s relief (and probably many others), I’ve resisted the urge to slap some pictures up for you to see, so don’t bother asking…

That’s the scoop. If you haven’t already checked out my Microcasting excursions at CrazyAces.com, you can listen to my audio recap of my experience in last night’s post.

Kevin

It always astounds me how quickly a week goes by. Not just a day, but how you can look back on the entire week and say “Man! Where did it go?!? What in the world did I DO with my week?”

I think I know the solution. It’s a long-standing Mills tradition, really.

Lists.

I need to make a list. And keep it updated. I need to list the things I want to accomplish each day and week, and then make a point of doing them. In theory, this is exactly what my Clie PDA is for, but in reality, I’m a human being and life doesn’t always adhere to a static schedule on my plaything. (I’m talking about my PDA, you perverts… although that does conjure up a funny picture, doesn’t it?)

At any rate, I have a new Spanking Telemarketers episode in the works, but I think I’ll save it for Monday. Just to see if I can’t get more hits by releasing it to the public on a Monday morning – when people are fresh from the weekend and ready to Do Nothing by checking e-mail, their Blog / RSS subscriptions, etc. and forward Stupid Fun Stuff to their friends and family. (And if there’s ever something that’s both Stupid and Fun, it’s Spanking Telemarketers, ain’t it?)

Eventually I plan to compile my Spankings onto a sweet li’l CD to sell on CDBaby. THEN I’ll be able to point to something and declare, without question, “THAT is what I did this week! I sold my first Spanking CD!!!”

Yep. Then I’ll have arrived…. (tongue lodged firmly in cheek)…

Kevin

WalmartSunset
Originally uploaded by jackardiac.

Yet another sunset, this one taken in a Wal-mart parking lot back in April, I believe. What amazed and delighted (yes, delighted) me about this shot was 1) how the colors were the epitome of a perfect sunset, replete with the blue and pink and orange hues all around, and 2) the fact that my nifty Sony Clie actually did a decent job of capturing said colors. Seriously. For a cheap, 1 megapixel built-in camera to take a shot this good? Above and beyond the call, Sony… above and beyond..

The Clie.. may it rest in peace… (sniff)… (Not MY Clie, mind you, but the Clie line in general, which stopped production last Spring…)

I tell ya. A Blog just ain’t a Blog without the handy snapshots of a Clie.

Kevin

Kyler Sunset
Originally uploaded by jackardiac.

This is Kyler at the park, sometime last Winter. It’s a pretty fun picture, so I figured I’d post it and show off my photo and procreation skills with one cerulean shot.

Kevin

P.S. Um… for those of you who are scratching your heads, “cerulean” means “blue.”

The other week as I was working in my garage, I glanced down at the pavement and noticed a rather large cockroach that was crushed, just at the edge of my driveway. Upon closer inspection, I realized to my fascination (and horror) that it wasn’t a cockroach at all, but a scorpion!

As you can see from the photo, it’s not a huge scorpion (in relation to the quarter), but I still shudder to think of this nasty crawling around in my garage, much less having Kyler find it or its brothers someday. Thankfully, God had His way with the li’l scrambler, because his death was quick and probably painless.

How to Kill a Scorpion:

1) Raise garage door.

2) Wait for scorpion to crawl out of his sneaky hiding place and take a stroll on the wildside of the garage.

3) Close garage door on scorpion’s butt.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Kevin Mills killed his scorpion, with God’s timely assistance and – dare I say it? – Favor.

Kevin

FishRocker
Originally uploaded by jackardiac.

Wandering the aisles of the CritterDome (which I wrote about earlier in this entry), I found myself riveted to the glass as I watched this fish do his thing.

Basically, he was cleaning house. He would swim down behind the rocks, actually PICK UP a white pebble in his mouth and swim out to the other corner where he would drop it into a pile. He did this non-stop, at least 10 times a minute.

Swim, pick up rock, swim back, drop it. Swim, pick up rock, swim back, drop it.

It was amazing. I’ve never seen a fish do anything remotely intelligent, so this tiny spark had me entranced. (It could be argued that this doesn’t really count for an intelligent action, but it was entertaining, nonetheless…)

Kevin

McStalker
Originally uploaded by jackardiac.

It’s amazing how many things strike me as odd or funny these days, especially when I just happen to have my Sony Clie on hand to capture the moment for the world to see.

Today’s entry introduces you to two characters on an etched-glass picture on the wall of the McDonald’s in Rolla, Missouri. I walked by and had to do a double-take. I’ve seen the Hamburgler before as a kid, but I’ve NEVER seen the creepy guy in the trenchcoat. Doesn’t it seem a bit strange? That there are two shady-character, morally questionable guys hanging out by the pond, feeding innocent racoons? (While Ronald himself [not pictured sits a few feet away fishing with a grin…)

Maybe it’s just me…

Total
Originally uploaded by jackardiac.

While wandering through the aisles at my local Walgreen’s, I was surprised to find some small boxes of cereal in the vitamin section. Upon closer inspection, however, I realized they weren’t misplaced at all. What you are looking at, people, are pre-packaged packs of vitamins with the Total and Wheaties brand names slapped on the boxes.

That’s right. These are the same vitamins you can buy and separate individually – and at a considerably cheaper price – sealed in a nice cellophane pouch that you can take with you anywhere.

Ah… what we won’t pay for convenience…

To be honest, I’m a bit of a hypocrite, here. I’ve often sneered at the bag of pre-sliced, cracker-sized cheese in the dairy aisles, only to find myself taking them on long trips in the car. (However, there’s something to be said for not cutting the cheese in the close quarters of a car on a family vacation… so perhaps I get extra points for consideration, right?)

Kevin