The other week I went to see a movie at the local dollar theater, Northpark 7, at the mall in Oklahoma City. As I was walking out to the parking lot I noticed a disturbing scenario out of the corner of my eye.

Is that…? What in the…?!? What IS that thing?!?

A crib? A punishment / time-out cage to contain junior? A piece of art?

I just don’t know. But I DO know this: it is a source of encouragement.

Why? Because, my friends, if Mr. Joe American (or in this case, Joe Trump?) will spend his hard-earned money on stuff like THIS, then I am convinced, without a doubt, that I’ll be able to market and profit from more than a handful of my… a-hem… more useful inventions. So while some observers might look at this crib and feel the uncontrollable urge to cry, or shake their heads sadly in bewildered disgust, I can’t help but stare at it and smile from ear to ear.

Thank you, Mr. Twisted Crib maker.

Thank you very, very much.

Kevin

I just wanted to drop a quick note to apologize for the lack of entries this week. I have a few blogs outlined in my head, and I was going to capture them for your posting pleasure, but I threw my back out today, which makes sitting at the computer a bit less thrilling than before.

I was vacuuming, and next thing I know – “OWW! What the…!?!”

“That’s it,” my back says, “I’m out. I’m done. See ya…” Then he goes off and sulks in a corner, refusing to play nicely, no matter how much coaxing I give it. I even hung upside-down on a swing at the park with Kyler tonight. There was a pleasing POP, but the guy’s just not happy…. I think nothing but repeated watering, soaking in a tub and bed rest will get this back back on track. (Wow. Now THAT was fun to write!!)

Until a later date,

Kevin

tranquility

n 1: a disposition free from stress or emotion [syn: repose, quiet, placidity, serenity, tranquillity 2: a state of peace and quiet [syn: tranquillity, quietness, quietude

For the past month, I have encountered the word “tranquility” on a regular basis. I’ve found it in books, in various conversations, even inscriptions on decorative rocks in a garden. It’s been bizarre. I’ve never see the word in my entire life as often as I’ve seen these recent weeks.

So, you have to ask yourself: Is this a message? Is there something to this, or is it just a coincidence, like when you think about Volkswagon Bugs, you’ll start to notice them on the street everywhere you go. I do believe that what we focus our thoughts on greatly affects how we perceive the world, so in some ways I think it’s a little of both – starting as a subtle message from God, which in turn increased my attention to the word, thus causing me to recognize it more often.

tranquility

I like the word. I find it very well-timed. As I’m apt to over-extend myself in pursuit of my passions (inventing, new music, movies, microcasting with CrazyAces), I find I more desperately need peace and tranquility in my life. God is discovered not in the chaotic swirl of events and activities we cushion ourselves with, but in the quiet places, the calm places.

So I’m making an effort to be a little bit more relaxed during the day, a little bit calmer as I react to life. I might not be the picture-perfect model for tranquility, but that won’t stop me from quietly grabbing hold of it for a few minutes every morning.

Kevin

Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God.”

I have a confession to make. I really don’t like ants. I don’t know if it would be wrong to go so far as to say I hated them, but if it would be – I’d go as close to the line as possible. (Loathing, perhaps? I’m a writer… I should know these things…. where’s my Thesaurus…?)

It might have started when I was a little kid, perhaps 5 or 6 years old, when I was watching my older brother play baseball one day. He looked really odd in his striped pants and vest, but I was bored, so I stood by the fence and watched. Next thing I know, I have a tickling sensation running up and down my leg (TICKLING, not TINKling…). Then the tickling sensation immediately transforms into a MY LEG IS ON FIRE!!! sensation. I look down and see a hundred or so very large, very red ants making a concerted effort to turn my leg into Spam.

A hop, skip and a jump later (also known as the Insane, Screaming Mad Dash of Hell), and I’m safe in Mommy’s arms, soaking my leg in Bactine…

That might have been where it all began. But those aren’t the ants I’m contending with right now, at home in Edmond, OK. Oh no… the ants that are making themselves home here are the teeny, tiny sugar ants, that have a connection network better than anything Melaleuca ever came up with.

I was first exposed to THOSE ants when Kim and I went over to Indonesia for a year. Seriously, what we call an “ant problem” over here in America is nothing compared to the sheer force of the insect world over there. Case in point: over in Indo there are hundreds of small lizards called “chee-checks” (known as the gecko over here, I believe). They’re everywhere, indoors and out. You’re disgusted by them at first (especially when they decided to sleep in your toaster, with less than spectacular results), but for the most part you get used to them and ignore ‘em.

Well, one day as we’re leaving for the school, I notice a dead chee-check lying on the porch. Had a heart attack, touched the light bulb, colon cancer – who knows what had happened, but he was dead now. I notice a few ants crawling around him, and start humming the Circle of Life song we’ve all be infected with. So I shrug my shoulders and go on about my life, right? That was at 8 in the morning.

When we return from school at 3:00pm that afternoon, I go over to check on the guy and see how he is. Fact is, he isn’t. There’s nothing left of him but a SKELETON. That was the first time I ever really understood what the word “skeletonize” fully meant. It was awesome. And sobering… I mean, I had to SLEEP later that night… that’s as close to death as you can get without crossing over… And ants? Well, come on, how big do you think their brains are, anyway? Do you really think they can tell the difference (or even CARE) if what they’re gnawin’ on is dead or alive? Please…

Which brings me to where I’m at now in life. The winter’s over, the summer is upon us, and Kyler makes a daily mess in the kitchen. The ants, they are a comin’. At first I put my inventor’s brain to work, trying to come up with a product to slap on the ants and stick’ em up, like “ant paper” or something. The problem? I don’t think the average American wants to see dead ants after they kill ‘em.

My solution? Use one of the myriad lint rollers we have around the house and steamroll ‘em. At first I just started whacking them, which was satisfying, but eventually your first bat success rate dropped as you’d hit ‘em too hard, and some would fall off, and you’d have to hit ‘em again. (Kyler suffers from this, but his batting average is improving daily… He has inherited his father’s inner hunting skills… both of them…)

So now I use the wrist to roll the tool so that it will stick more of them the first time at bat. Bam. Next thing you know, you have 100 or so of the little bugs (buggers?) sweetly stuck to the sheet. “How’s THAT for a network, ya stinkin’ ants?!? Huh?! Oh yeah, a network of DEATH!!!!”

Insert evil laugh here.

And now? Now I’m going to go mop the floor with a bleach water solution in the hopes that I’ll make a dent in their neverending onslaught. Thankfully, I know the ending to this battle.

There are no ants in heaven.

Conclusion? All ants will end up in hell.

You may balk at the theology behind this (or lack thereof), but sir, I’ll end by saying just this:

It puts a smile on my face everynight I fall asleep.

Kevin

A few years ago, while on a cross-country trip to attend my brother-in-law’s wedding, I suddenly brainstormed on how to use my degree in English to generate some extra PayPal funds (read: eBay “Play Money”). After analyzing the pros, cons and minute details of it all, I finally settled on offering a proofreading service at a reasonable price.

Thus, PaperPolisher was born.

After creating a nifty, quickie website to help people find me, I sat back and waited for the bucks to roll in. And waited. And waited… Six months later, someone sent me a paper to edit.

My problem? A lack of vision. I knew what I wanted to do, but I didn’t know how to feasibly go about making it happen. Creating the site and offering the service was only the first step, but actually promoting the site – getting the words “PaperPolisher.com” in front of thousands of willing eyeballs – well, this was a mystery to me.

I tried a few stealth maneuvers, of course. I visited a local community college and slapped up some “unapproved” ads, and littering the lounge areas with my homemade cards. (By “unapproved,” I mean “to be ripped down within the next few days.”) I even thought of ironing “PaperPolisher.com” on the front of a T-shirt and standing outside various English/writing classes when they break. (To be honest, I’m still toying with that idea… heck, I already bought the T-shirt transfer paper…)

Last month, however, I decided to kickstart PaperPolisher again and give it new life. I decided it was time to finish something I started, to follow through with one of my goals and use the gifts God has given me before asking Him to bless me in my new endeavors. I began by visiting some local colleges and deciding which publications I could advertise in. I finally settled on Comics Express. Chock full of syndicated comic strips, puzzles and other “fun” stuff, this publication is ripe for college students to snatch up and read cover to cover.

Next, I started advertising online through Google’s Adwords. For a mere $5.00 set-up fee and five minutes to set the specs, a PaperPolisher ad was up and running in no time.

Lastly, I tackled my relaunch dilemma on a mental plane, by changing my core attitudes. Instead of wandering back into this blindly hoping people will respond, I made a point of blatantly stating – repeatedly – what will happen. As in, I’m constantly telling myself “PaperPolisher will be a success,” or “People want me to edit their papers,” and so on. I even went so far as to say that PaperPolisher will generate $600 dollars in the next three months.

Now, whether these affirmations work on a subconscious or a spiritual level is beyond me, but I will say this: they’re working. In the past two weeks I have polished more papers than I did throughout the entire last year. If that’s not enough to make a guy smile, I’ve already generated over $200 in sales. In two weeks! And I still have 2 months to go to meet my goal!

To say I’m a happy man is an understatement.

So that’s the news, folks. PaperPolisher.com is off the ground and running. And at less than $3.00 a page, a typical 10-page college paper can be polished for under $15. Considering the cost of each credit hour these days, I believe many people will see the wisdom of having a personal editor in their pockets. (As I say in one of my slogans, “Get graded – BEFORE it counts.”) It’s even getting a much-needed facelift soon, thanks to Jeff Pickell at Xionic Technologies.

Oh yes, as 2005 continues to be the year of Kevin Mills 2.0, many, many things are changing in my life. I’ll be sure to keep complete strangers updated here for many months to come.

Kevin

The Paper Polisher

When I recently found myself shopping for MP3 players, I was rather overwhelmed with the vast variety of choices that I had. I knew I wanted something small, but I also wanted the ability to record voice memos (because while having a Sony Clie comes in handy quite often – such as when you’re at a book fair with ample waiting time to write a few blogs – the ability to record your voice is handier still…)

I really liked the idea of the iPod Mini, being a Mac man, and they made it all the more tempting when the new models came out, with a whopping 4 gig hard drive AND the ability to import my numerous playlists (Downtempo Bliss, Cinematic, Piano & Guitar Chicks, Pop Rocks, etc…). Unfortunately, even in mini form the iPod is a bit large, and the proprietary battery (read: not user replaceable) combined with the need to buy extra stuff to record your voice, and it was a no-go for me.

After toying with the iRiver iFP-799 for a while, I soon found couldn’t lean that way, either. The size was right, but when reading the reviews and various forums on it, it became clear they have serious firmware issues. As in, when you upgrade the firmware to allow you to use the player as a stand-alone USB drive, it cripples the in-line recording capabilities, limiting it from 128kbps to an unacceptable 96bps. Granted, I’d mainly be using it for audio blogs and voice notes, but I just don’t like a company to assume I’m a high-flyin’, music pirating criminal even before I buy their product.

I finally settled on the Samsung YP-MT6Z. With a pleasing 1GB of memory, dinky size (see photo below), and voice recording capabilities, it was a no-brainer. I was all the more pleased to find it works as a simple plug-and-play USB drive AND comes with the astoundingly effective WOW! audio technology. If you haven’t heard of the WOW! Thing for desktop computer speakers, it’s a great investment. Adding extra punch to anything that streams through it, WOW! Technology will make all your old songs sound new again, enhancing subtle elements and nuances you never knew existed. Yes, I said nuance. And I meant it. (This is even more true when you have a silent player without moving parts and a good set of earphones.)

Other bells and whistles include running on a single AA battery (which provides 40 hours of use), FM Radio tuner (with recording capabilities), a small but legible LCD display, and an included pair if earphones that sound fantastic, even if they’re incredibly uncomfortable.

If there’s one thing I wish it could do that it doesn’t, would be the ability to shuffle single folders, instead of using the entire storage space. It’s rather jolting to go from the Thievery Corporation’s blissful “Holographic Universe” to the relaxing yet hoarse musings of your own voice. Bleech…

All in all, I’m extremely satisfied with the Samsung YP-MT6Z. A great player at a great price, with little to complain about. I hope and expect it will provide me with years of musical enjoyment. And if not? Well, it’s a good thing I got the 2-year Best Buy warranty for a mere $30 more… (I’m not gonna take chances with something this small… especially with a toddler and his sticky fingers running around the house… there are just too many trash cans available…)

I’m freezing.

Specifically, I’m freezing at the Westfield Mall in St. Louis. In the lower parking garage, no less, and it’s cold. It’s rainy, the temperature is something like 54 degrees or lower, and I not only put on a t-shirt (under my typical T-shirt), but I also slapped on a jacket to boot. I’m sitting here, in the bone-chilling, mind-numbing cold. Waiting.

I have three hours to go.

And THEN, my friends, at 4:00pm sharp, the gates of the Greater St. Louis Annual Book Fair will open, and I, along with the vast horde of other fanatical, waiting book hunters, will sprint in to find… Books.

But what, you ask, am I looking for in this bibiloforest before me?

First on the list: paperback novels. over the years I have compiled a very long list of novels I’d like to read one day. It was easy. Visit Amazon.com while you’re a receptionist with nothing else to do. Find a novel you enjoyed and click on the various links of what other people (who also liked the novel) purchased, and down the rabbit hole you go.

Before you know it, you’re looking at a list of 40 novels that are on your wishlist. Give and take a few years & books sales, and perhaps you’ve pared it down to 30. Find a few on eBay at a reasonable price, and you’re at 25. Now, to find THOSE 25, you either have to be mighty lucky when you browse a sale or used book store, or you have to plunk down full price at a fancy bookstore (the words make me wince just typing them, “full price,” oy…)

So that’s the first thing I look for – science fiction, mystery and a few horror novels (note: when I say “horror” I am NOT referring to occult novels. You can have a perfectly good horror novel without mucking it up with occultist influences. See James Rollins’ “Subterranean” or Douglas Preston / Lincoln Child’s “The Relic” for examples.)

Secondly, I’m also looking for books on psychology and self-help, with an eye out for those pertaining to the brain, the subconscious mind, or other fun subjects. I have a short list of books along these topics that I’d love to read, so hopefully finding them won’t be too much trouble. (But again, at a book fair, it’s always hit and miss…)

Does it sound strange? A grown man sitting for hours in the cold to get a handful of books? I’m not alone. As I look around me, there are at least 50 other people in tow. And that’s not including the empty lawn chairs set up in line for “parkers” who probably plunked them down at the stroke of midnight. It’s like we’re a variation of the Star Wars fanatics, just a bit more literate. (Ba-dum bump!! Just kidding, of course… I’ve found most Star Wars fans to be heavily educated (at least in the Star Wars universe), so calling them illiterate is like saying I can feel circulation in my blue hands right now… It just ain’t true…)

Wow… My MP3 player just went silent as I’m typing this. I’ve had it for two weeks, and haven’t changed the AA battery yet. (And that’s pretty good, considering it runs for 35-40 hours on one battery….) I was going to write a review for it, and since I have the time I might as well hack that out, too.

But I’ll conclude the Book Fair Blog with this: you know how I’ve written in the past about the favor of God, and how He will bless or reward us according to our expectant faith and belief? Well, I tested this theory again today, with glowing results.

As I drove here, I asked for God to show me His favor today and to allow me to find a mind-blowing, inexplicably fantastic parking spot. I know… it’s a ballsy prayer, but that’s how I’m learning to pray – with great big balls. Bold Balls, I call ‘em.

But enough about my Balls of Prayer.

As I pull into the underground parking garage (where I’m freezing said Balls off right now…), I come to a stop – I can either turn left or right. I feel a pull (a nudge, a hunch) to turn to the left, so I do… And end up in a dead-end. It’s as close as I can get to the book fair area, but a dead-end nonetheless.

As I pull forward and begin to turn around, however, I suddenly realize that the car at the end actually ISN’T the last car in the row, but it was simply hiding THE LAST PARKING SPACE behind it.

Ta-daaaa……

Bam. The Favor of God, manifest yet again in my life. I gotta tell ya, living out an expectant faith in a living God makes for good living indeed. If you haven’t tried it yet, Jump In. You won’t regret it.

As I was tromping around the house last week, scrounging the shelves for stuff I can readily convert into cash on eBay, I grabbed a stack of books and sprinted back to the den to begin the process. Listing went well, everyone paid, and I mailed ‘em all off without a hitch.

Until yesterday.

Then I received an e-mail from a guy who bought “A Purpose-Driven Life,” by Rick Warren. (Before you think me a heathen for selling such a fantastic book, I should mention that we had two copies around the house… but I’ll also be honest, I didn’t get much out of my copy, anyway…).

Anyhow, this is what the guy wrote:

“I received the book today, and I am a little disappointed. You listed the book as “New” — but it has personal notes written in it – portions underlined. The best was finding the little orange paper that said “You smell nice. Take off your clothes.” I have not left a feedback yet. First, I wanted to give you a chance to explain what you would like to do?“

Needless to say, I laughed for quite a few minutes at that. I wrote him back and explained how I thought I had flipped through the book to check for markings, etc, but must have missed those pages. And as for the note of Aromatic Longing? Well, I often make notes for Kim to find all around the house, at work, in her books or whereever she might be and not expect to see a love note. Am I going to write the typical, sappy love note to my wife? Is she what one would call a typical, sappy wife? Not on your life.

Plus, she does smell nice. Usually like Bath & Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar. Ooo la la….. And she looks good in the nude, I have to say… (Hey, I can say that! She’s my wife, I paid for her fair and square…. and it’s my blog, too… so there….)

But enough about my lady. The guy and I wrote and agreed that reimbursing $5.00 of the $8.50 he paid for it would be both fair and adequate.

And to be honest, I’d gladly pay $3.00 any time to laugh as hard as I did. Can’t find yuks like that on TV these days… (unless it’s Arrested Development, of course… Man, I hope they don’t cancel that….) If you haven’t already visited the site to sign the petition, I’m on my knees here… begging… don’t let it die…. (sniff). Think of the children… they deserve to laugh, too, don’t they? Please?

Kevin

I love my wife.

Really, I do. We’ve been married for almost 12 years now (come Memorial Day), and I can honestly say that it has been a wonderful, wild ride.

Kim has, by all accounts, vastly exceeded every expectation I ever had for a wife. She is patient, intelligent, compassionate, and incredibly fun. More fun than I could have ever imagined a Christian woman could be. And sexy? Please, she’s got the body of a comic book heroine and the passion of a minx. Rowr.

As a student and lover of language, I understand how profoundly powerful words can be. You can literally build someone up or rip them apart by what you say to them. People might scoff or stick their thumbs up their noses at this notion, but it is absolutely true: our words have the power to harm and the power to heal.

Knowing this, I make it a point to tell Kim constantly (and honestly) the truths I see in her. She is beautiful, in so many ways, but for the sake of time and bandwidth, I won’t try to count them here.

I recently realized, however, that for all my praise and encouragement and spontaneous flower showers, I have neglected one of the most important responsibilities as a husband. I need to PRAY for my wife.

As strong and confident and together as Kim is, she is still susceptible to the doubts, fears and insecurities every woman faces. She can be the most confident, Christian woman out there and STILL be besieged by the inner struggles that come with being human.

So I’ve decided it’s time I did my part. As her husband I consider it my responsibility and privilege to cover my wife daily with my prayers. Prayers for her emotional stability, self-confidence, courage and consistency in her spiritual growth. (And peace… you can never have too much peace in your life…) I know that I can’t meet all of her needs in life. (Sad but true.) But I have the ability to present her to the One who can.

That’s taken a while to sink in. The fact that as much as I love Kim and want to help her in life, God loves her so much more. Plus, He’s able to meet EVERY need she has. He created her, he knows her better than I ever will, and there are areas of her life that are custom carved that only He can fill. The sooner I was able to grasp this concept, the sooner the weight lifted off my shoulders and, thankfully, the sooner I was able to fall to my knees and start the prayer process.

I love my wife. I really, really do.

As I’ve recommitted myself to praying for Kim, I remembered a book I picked up a few years ago. “The Power of A Praying Husband,” by Stormie Omartain. She details in clear, concise chapters exactly how a husband can go about praying for his wife. The chapters are short (i.e. “easy to read”) and to-the-point, so even those suffering from ADD will be able to glean a few nuggets of wisdom out of this. (Or is it ADHD? I get so easily confused and distrac…… wow, look at that bright light…. pretty…..)

So husbands, if you’re reading this and you find yourself in the same boat of not praying for your lady – bail out now. It’s never too late. And ladies, if you have a sneaky suspicion that your man doesn’t fill his daily Cup O’ Prayer with a dash of his Sweet Spouse… well…. ah…. send him this link so you can guilt him into it….

Nah, just kidding. That’d only make things worse (plus, I’d probably get a healthy share of hate mail…) Why not turn the tables and pray for HIM, instead? And if you pray for him to begin praying for you.. Well…, it’ll just be one never-ending, recycling prayerfest, now, won’t it? Boy howdy.

Lastly, for those of you who get your jollies by being “challenged” in life… ahem… “I hereby challenge you to start praying for your wife on a daily basis.”

There. Go to it. Let’s change the world, one wife at a time…

Kevin

A quick summary of the weekend activities with our new neighbors.