Kevin’s Prayer.
I’m posting this not so much to get advice (from all you well-meaning Christians out there), but mainly as a catharsis. And a record. I’m struggling in my prayers, here, and I’m working through my faith. My hope is to learn more, to find the answers I seek, and then post them later.
I want to live a life of transparency, and that includes my doubts and fears and spiritual stress points. Perhaps some of you can relate to what I’m saying, perhaps not. But for TODAY, at THIS MOMENT, this is what I’m feeling. (So don’t mistake one entry to be Kevin’s constant condition. I’m fluid, people…)
Kevin
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First off, this was the Daily Devotion I read today, from My Utmost for His Highest:
June 18, 2008
Keep Recognizing Jesus
“. . . Peter . . . walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid . . .” —Matthew 14:29-30
The wind really was boisterous and the waves really were high, but Peter didn’t see them at first. He didn’t consider them at all; he simply recognized his Lord, stepped out in recognition of Him, and “walked on the water.” Then he began to take those things around him into account, and instantly, down he went. Why couldn’t our Lord have enabled him to walk at the bottom of the waves, as well as on top of them? He could have, yet neither could be done without Peter’s continuing recognition of the Lord Jesus.
We step right out with recognition of God in some things, then self-consideration enters our lives and down we go. If you are truly recognizing your Lord, you have no business being concerned about how and where He engineers your circumstances. The things surrounding you are real, but when you look at them you are immediately overwhelmed, and even unable to recognize Jesus. Then comes His rebuke, “. . . why did you doubt?” ( Matthew 14:31 ). Let your actual circumstances be what they may, but keep recognizing Jesus, maintaining complete reliance upon Him.
If you debate for even one second when God has spoken, it is all over for you. Never start to say, “Well, I wonder if He really did speak to me?” Be reckless immediately— totally unrestrained and willing to risk everything— by casting your all upon Him. You do not know when His voice will come to you, but whenever the realization of God comes, even in the faintest way imaginable, be determined to recklessly abandon yourself, surrendering everything to Him. It is only through abandonment of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him. You will only recognize His voice more clearly through recklessness— being willing to risk your all.
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And this is what I wrote as my prayer:
Lord, I’m worrying about the little stuff. About prioritizing everything. The same old thing, you know. All the passions and gifts and skills you’ve provided me, but I feel like I’m weighted down. Restrained. And I don’t know if it’s ME restraining me, or You.
I believe You’ve led me to scale back, to take life slower, to reprioritize rest and peace over a rigorous pace. I believe You’ve led me to have more quality moments with my kids and with Kim. And with You. And I don’t want to lose any of that.
Yet now I feel You’re inspiring me to pursue my inventions, and I’m confused as to why. Or more to the point, HOW? How am I supposed to take the time to do that? To do all the countless hours of research, design, planning, etc., and yet continue to 1) have quality time for my family, 2) have quality time with You, and 3) have time to just relax and enjoy life?
I feel like I’m having to move 100 miles per hour just to make any headway. Like I’m at the base of a huge mountain, a mountain I’ve been circling but didn’t expect to climb anytime soon, and NOW you’re telling me to climb?
I’m not trying to argue or be disobedient, I’m just lost as to what to do with my OTHER responsibilities and passions? Abandon all for the sake of the call? Take bite-sized pieces of everything, one each day? It seems I’ll either be making minimal progress in all areas or immense progress in only one (while the others go on the back burner). I’m confused as to what goes where. What to do, what to do. (I sound like the White Rabbit in “Alice in Wonderland,” a book I’ve never read, despite my English degree…)
The devotional I read today was about “keeping our eyes on Jesus” so we don’t lose our way. This only serves to confuse me more. Am I not seeking you? Spending time with you? Am I not keeping you in my sights? How am I supposed to pursue you anymore than I already am (and still be a functional member of society)?
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