Revenge Of The Arachnids. (or "attack Of The Crotch Spider")
Last week I wrote about how I ignorantly put the hurt on a helpless scorpion in my garage (as seen here). This week I’m writing about how his sneaky little buddy, the brown recluse, exacted his revenge on me (there must’ve been a contract out on me by the scorpion’s widow or something…)
Here’s how it all began…
On Saturday morning I woke up, hopped in the shower, and noticed a bit of tenderness down by my crotch. Upon closer inspection, I had a rather massive, white-headed zit that had materialized overnight, on the upper portion of my left thigh where my leg meets… the rest of me. (It’s called a scrotum, people…. listen to this catchy song sample I stumbled across at eMusic.com for an anatomical description…)
At any rate, I didn’t hesitate to put the squeeze on Mr. Z, which was surprisingly more painful than I anticipated. The puss didn’t really have a normal consistency (based on my extensive zit-popping history), but I didn’t give it much thought as I washed it down with soap, shaved my ultra-sexy head and went on my merry way.
About four hours later, I’d come to realize “Hey, my leg kinda hurts down there.” Not only this, but I felt like I was getting a bruise or a cramp in my upper thigh… right were that pesky zit was. It wasn’t until I was describing to Kim’s cousin, Kenny, the growing annoyance of this strange Zit from Hell on my leg, that my subconsciousness finally broke through my constant babbling and whining.
“You know what?” it whispered in my head, “That’s not a zit, doofus. That’s a spider bite.”
“A spider bite?” I exclaimed. “Are you sure?”
“Hey, I’m your subconsciousness… what do you think?”
I thought about that for a moment, and I had to agree. My Sub just doesn’t steer me wrong. What’s more, I suddenly remembered the first image I had of my “zit,” and why it didn’t look right.
There were two small marks in the middle of the head. As in, two small BITE marks.
I didn’t think anything of it when I originally erupted the volcano, but the image was clear in my mind now that I considered the new scenario.
Still, I wasn’t sure if it was truly a brown recluse bite. We only have two poisonous spiders in Oklahoma – the black widow and the brown recluse. They say you don’t feel the recluse bite immediately, but the widow bite feels like a needle. So it’s safe to say it wasn’t a widow bite, but on the other hand my leg isn’t suffering from the typical marks of a recluse bite, either. It’s red, inflamed and a bit puffy with a hard lump, but it doesn’t have the white “halo” effect, nor is the skin turning bluish-black with necrosis as death has a parade down my leg.
I didn’t want to take a chance, though, so I went to visit my doctor friend Rob, who lives just up the street from me. (For those of you who don’t know, Rob and I grew up together in high school as best buds, so when Kim and I moved to Oklahoma City, put a contract on a house and THEN found out he lived less than a minute away, we kinda knew it was a God thing…) If you don’t know the meaning of the word “awkward,” it’s easily defined as “a guy asking his best friend to please take a look as his crotch.” An expanded definition would be “having said guy friend palpate said crotch with his fingers” to test for tenderness.
I would say it was a threat to my manliness, but upon poking the hypersensitive knot in my leg I involuntarily yelled out a choice four-letter expletive, thus reestablishing my macho masculinity through the cheap trick of profanity. (Note to kids: Kevin does not advocate the casual use of profanity under any circumstances. Get a dictionary and learn to express yourself effectively without using the vernacular of the moronic…)
So here I am, pumping my body full of as much water as I can, getting as much rest as I can, popping down the antibiotics that Bobby prescribed me and praying for God to lay His healing hands on my… leg. (I strongly believe in the power of prayer and the laying on of hands, I should note. But I’m just not comfortable asking the people at our church to “lay hands on my crotch” in the name of Jesus, y’know? Nonetheless, for those of you who pray and are reading this now, I would be thrilled if you’d take a few seconds to pray for a quick healing down there…)
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