Kevin’s Prayer.

Lord, what should I do that I’m not doing?

Take time to listen.

Lord, I feel overwhelmed by the ever-growing list of things that AREN’T getting done. How am I supposed to be at peace with The List? And yet, how am I to stay focused and make progress without it?

I feel like you’ve given me the tools, the skills, and the intense drive and motivation to use them, but haven’t given me the time to do so. I’ve effectively eliminated my free time that I used to have (waste?) by listening to movies, watching TV / movies and reading novels. My mind is set in productivity mode, but I feel bound by my previous calling as a stay-at-home Dad. Which, in many ways, FEELS highly unproductive. (I know it’s not, but that’s the pervading emotion at times…)

I still want to be that, to raise Kyler and Kaleb with an intimate, hands-on relationship. But how am I to do that and still pursue my goals & dreams? Everything’s happeningly to SLOWLY. Am I NOT supposed to be a primary caregiver anymore? I’d say it’s clear, with the set-back of my hand, the slowing down of my life, but that’s not a complete deal-breaker. I can still care for Kaleb, it’s just much more painful and time-consuming. Not impossible.

So what’s going on? Are you calling me to do something different? To invent & raise money, more than be a full-time father? I know my callings & purpose can change over time, and I don’t want to assume that a calling or project vision I had years ago is forever written in stone. I want to be flexible, to be responsive to Your leading, day by day.

And that’s why I’m so perplexed by it all. I felt your previous calling. Now I strongly feel this new one. But what do I do about the OTHER callings & passions You’ve placed in my life? What do I do about my writing partnership with Patrick? What do I do about promoting TeleSpank.com? About developing JacKardiac.com? About caring for the kids?

I’m clueless, here. I’m desperately seeking answers, seeking Your Wisdom, and I feel You’re nonresponsive. Silent.

So what am I do to? Continue to “press in?” To abide in You? Why does it seem everyone else can come to You and receive clear, direct answers, but when I’m prostrate on my face, I feel like I’m getting nowhere? I’m not trying to compare, I’m just sincerely confused, here.

Is it me? Is it You? Is there something I should change? Is it just a matter of patience? I’ll do whatever You ask, I just need… to understand.

Hm. Is THAT the problem? Instead of jumping in with both feet, following this new calling with wild abandon, I’m seeking further clarification? Instead of immediate obedience I’m asking you WHY?

Is that wrong? What would it look like if I just abandoned everything else You’ve called me to in pursuit of this one? Kim wouldn’t be able to work, she’d have to care for the kids. Without Kim’s income, I’d need to get a job… at a substantially lower income. With a full-time job, I wouldn’t have the time to pursue what You’ve called me to do.

So… what’s the solution, here? How am I to synchronize everything? To make sense of it all?

I am not at peace. So much silence is downright depressing.

Lord, I pray You would use me, use this time of struggling and confusion for Your glory. Teach me what You want me to know, when You want me to know it. I wait for you, Father.

Kevin

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