The Oath.

September 15th, 2009 by kevin

could hardly tolerate each other. We shared a house, a bed, a life,

but there was no genuine intimacy between us. When we talked to each

other our conversations were salted with misunderstanding or

accusations. We were both hurt, and harbored unspoken resentment for the other.

We considered divorce, but not seriously. We’d seen enough of our

friends get divorced to realize it didn’t solve any of their problems.

In fact, it was clear that divorce only helped exacerbate whatever internal

issues they struggled with, resulting in their not only being more miserable than

before, but being miserable and ALONE. After some long talks and

professional counseling, Kim and I had some hard questions to ask.

We weren’t “in love” anymore, so what were we going to do? Did we want

to stay married? And if so, how did we go about doing that, exactly?

When talking about my options to a friend from college, he cut through

my circular arguments and bluntly asked me who I wanted to be.

Regardless of how Kim might have hurt me or what she’d said and done,

I had a decision to make. I could either cut the ties and run like

hell, hoping to make a better life for myself somewhere and with

someone else. Or I could stay with her and use my stubborn, creative

streak to figure out a solution to the massive, imploding problem in

our marriage.

I had arrived at a crossroads that I never, ever anticipated. One road (Divorce)

led to more pain relief for the short term, followed by lifelong pain

and confusion afterwards. The second road (Dedication) held the promise of less

pain later on, but forced me to go through MORE pain in the short term by

staying in the marriage and aggressively dealing with our problems.

I chose who I wanted to be that night, and that was to be someone who

keeps his word. I had promised Kim years earlier that I would be committed

to her for better or worse – and this was definitely WORSE – but I wasn’t

going to go back on that promise. Keeping that promise was, without question,

the most painful event I’ve ever endured in my life, but I can honestly say it was also the best decision I’ve ever made.

Keeping an oath even when it hurts.

If we decide who we’re going to be based on emotion alone, our

character is going to shift like sand. We’re emotional, moody people,

and we’re going to FEEL everything under the sun when it comes to our

relationships. Love. Hate. Passion. Indifference. Gratitude.

Selfishness. The list will never, EVER end. We simply can’t define ourselves

by our emotions alone.

There comes a point where each one of us will have to decide who we

are and who we’re going to be. REGARDLESS of how we feel or how

someone hurts us or doesn’t meet our “needs” or whatever believable