Okay. It’s time to address something that’s been on my heart for the past year, primarily the conviction of the Holy Spirit about my “illegal” MP3′s and my obedience to delete them (which was a long-time coming.)

My problem stemmed from my growing CD collection that I purchased from eBay. Usually I would purchase 1-2 CDs a week and give ‘em a spin. If there were five or more songs on there that were decent (worthy of ripping into MP3s), I’d keep the CD in my long-standing collection. If there were four songs or less, I’d simply rip those songs and resell the CD. My reasoning? Well, if the music fat cats could charger outrageous prices for their products, the least I could do is “stick it to the man” and level things out a bit and not give them any more blood money. (Granted, it was a hollow argument, considering they don’t see a dime from any eBay sales anyway, but it was my thinking at the time…)

As in, I kind of felt the Spirit start prodding me last Fall about the fact that a large chunk of my MP3s were from CDs I no longer owned. Simply put, they were illegal. And while I strongly argue against flat out copying a full CD, there really isn’t any difference between that and ripping a few songs. All or one, it was wrong. Period.

Unfortunately, despite the gentle voice of the Spirit, I simply didn’t want to listen. So I “made a deal” with God. I said, “Lord, if you REALLY want me to delete my illegal MP3s, then have someone bring up the subject out of the blue this week.” That night we had a Bible study at our house and afterwards one of the guys and I were talking and he said something to the effect of: “So, after you buys CDs on eBay, you make MP3′s of some of the songs?” “Yep.” Pause…. “So… how do you justify that?”

Hm…. Quite a coincidence, that line of questioning…

So I went into a long explanation of how I’m “sticking it to the man” for overcharging us on CD prices for years, how I only make copies of SOME songs, therefore justifying the amount of money I spent on the CDs, etc…

At the end of the night, however, as stumped as I was, I reasoned with God that His answer to my prayer “didn’t really count.” WHY NOT, you ask? Well, because at the time I just didn’t like the guy who confronted me, so to have someone who I didn’t care for in the first place confront me like that, why, that just doesn’t count. It… ah… had to be someone I respected more… (or so I said…)

So I revised my prayer and submitted a new version:

“Lord, if you REALLY, REALLY want me to get rid of my illegal Mp3′s, then make something fall. Anything. A picture off a wall, a telephone, just something in my every day-to-day life… THEN I’ll know what Your will is.”

So the next day I’m getting ready to go to the mall to tucker Kyler out for the afternoon, right? I put him in his carseat in the back, get into the front seat, and just as I slam the door, something falls. Not just anything, mind you, but the wooden cross hanging from my mirror. Slam, thunk… silence. Stunned silence, actually. The kind of silence that one experiences when God has intimately touched their lives in a profound way.

So there you have it. The Lord had directly and specifically answered my prayers concerning His will and my illegal MP3s. Case closed, right? Well, yes and no. Yes, because God’s will was revealed in an incredible, unmistakable way. And no, because I still didn’t submit to it. That’s right. Even after all these signs and wonders, I STILL didn’t give up my MP3s. My heart was hardened, my stubbornness revealed for the ugliness it was, and I Said No To God. Like a spoiled child, I wrapped my arms around my music and huddled in a corner, unwilling to give them up. (Does the word “stumbling block” come to mind?)

Shocked? I am, too, in retrospect. Whoda thunk that I would be like all those bad people in the Bible who turned away from God? That I, a seasoned Christian, former member of a church council, self-proclaimed “man of God,” would act in such a sinful, selfish way? Yet there I was, as stuck in the mud as Jonah was, as Moses was. Stubborn, thick-headed and as sinful as Hell. (Wow. That’s a pretty applicable allegory! Cool!! Or… hot!….)

At any rate, here I am, almost a year later, and I’ve lived with this millstone around my neck for too long. I don’t want to turn my back on God. I want to embrace Him and allow Him to shape me for the better. And seriously, if I stumble over such a small sacrifice as MUSIC, how am I supposed to expect God to actually USE ME in my life? To reach down and have a growing relationship with me? It’s ludicrous. I can’t pray one thing and do another. I can’t kneel and ask for Him to transform my life, then turn up my nose when He actually does. Double-minded men do this, and all know what THEY should expect, right? Nothin’. Nada. Zilch.

Well, I’m tired of eating Zilch Pie. I want the full course now, and I’m willing to purge my sinful, gluttonous stomach to make room for the sweet, sweet manna God has in store. (Ah… I should’ve used another example than Manna… it just doesn’t sound filling enough, y’know? But locusts sounded even worse….)

So that’s my hard lesson on hearing and obeying, but it hasn’t been an easy road, only because I’m a big fat stubborn human. All I can do is pray that God will continue to mold me and shape my heart and shine his Ultra-Laser Spotlight on my soul to show me the areas I need to expunge from within.

In the meantime, I’ve removed the MP3s from my iTunes folder and taken them out of circulation. I’ve also made a list of which songs I can legally purchase online (iTumes Music Store, Napster, eMusic, etc…), so I can make it right. $92 isn’t much to spend on a clean conscience, I think. (The only reason I haven’t DELETED the songs is because I’m just going to re-rip them into MP3 format again. As in, I’ll buy most of them in WMA format, burn them onto CD and have to re-rip them again. Much easier to just buy the WMA’s and then trash them. Wipe my hands. All done…)

And that’s my story, ladies and gentlemen. Please learn from my mistakes, that all may go well with you and God may prosper you as you Obey Him.

Kevin